Postcards From The Ledge

Monday, December 18, 2006

Xmas shopping: It's war, so don't go unarmed!

It's war out there. Christmas is rearing its head like a big, ugly pimple on the butt of your peaceful holiday - and there are presents to be bought...

Don't go unarmed. Take this knowledge with you and prevent pre-Christmas breakdowns and alcohol-fueled rages...

1. The item you want is probably gone already. Don’t trust internet inventory locators, they’re always wrong. Call the store and ask someone. Most stores, even during the holidays, will begrudgingly hold something for you if you can get there fast enough.

2. All bets are off. Don’t turn your back on the spoils in your cart and expect it to remain untouched. Someone else wants that poop-herself-pretty-pretty-princess. She who has her hands on it last, leaves the store with it.

3. Bring cash, and bring extra. Almost every holiday season my store’s card services went down after being overloaded with requests. Card processing will time out, and writing checks runs you the risk of having your eyeballs clawed out by the impatient lines behind you.

4. You won’t find a parking space, so don’t bother trying. Just take the spot in the middle of nowhere, it will take you less time to walk to the store than it does to sit in your car pissing off everyone trying to get around you.

5. There won’t be anyone to help you. The nearest salesperson is teetering on a ladder, getting the last thingamajic and whatchamacallit from the store’s highest display, for a moth-ball scented old bag who’s “just looking.” Know what you want and where it is.

6. If a store does offer free gift wrap, you don’t want it, and you’re a jerk if you get it. This means you’re pulling away staff from the salesfloor and cash registers, potentially inciting a riot. And if you’re getting something oddly shaped or oversized, they’re not going to be able to wrap it any better than you would, it’s still going to look like a blob of crumpled up gift-wrap. Just go home and stick whatever it is in a gift bag, besides it’s easier for your stuffy sister-in-law when she regifts.

7. Always ask for a gift receipt first, even if you don’t want one. You never know when you’ll need it, your tastes aren’t infallible and you don’t want Aunt Ethel to know how cheap you are, and the cashier will have to get a manager to reprint one for you.

8. Get out of there. As soon as you’re done, leave the store, sprawlmart, or ye olde mall towne immediately. You never know who you’re going to run into. One unfortunate Christmas Eve I fell prey to a local weather girl gone investigative reporter spotlighting last minute shoppers, and my whole family got a sneak preview of their gifts on the ten o’clock news.

Tips courtesy of: Resist Media

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